My Crippling Depression.

I don’t want to hear people tell me it will get better. Or to “get better soon”.

For years I’ve had this hidden sadness within me. It wasn’t until this year, it got extremely bad. I haven’t actually gotten tested or anything, but I think I might have depression. Not the emotion, but the mental illness.

In grade seven, although I was just being an emo faggot, I would say I was quite sad at random moments for no reason. Well, I felt quite unloved by my friends and my family, but in grade eight I would toughen myself up, and just call myself a faggot when I was sad. After all, I live in a first world country. What am I actually bothered by? I do not wake up every day and worry about if I can eat or not, I don’t wake up trying to live for another day, etc. But there was always that small feeling hidden inside of me that I could not tell to go away.

I mean, I hate it when people post about them being depressed. I really do. I see it as attention grabbing. I can rarely believe in anyone who says they are upset. Hey, maybe some of you guys won’t believe me that I actually do feel upset on a daily basis; maybe you believe I am also doing this for attention. After all, I don’t really seem like the depressed type, do I?

Well, then again, the most depressed people are those who hide it the most. Fuck, there could be some really depressed person and they could be hiding it the entire time until the day they commit suicide.

In grade nine I was quite upset, but extremely reserved. It was more on the lines with, “I have no true friends HAHAHAHAHA everyone in high school sucks, work sucks, stress stress stress” I would not say it was bad, though.

Now it’s like, fucking terrible. I can’t go three days without crying randomly. I don’t even know why I’m sad half of the time. And if one small, SMALL event that would make a normal person sad for a day, I get depressed for a week. I’ve started to consider suicide often. I started thinking about how I should kill myself.

I cried a shit ton in school today. Why? Because I got six awards, one of them being the highest average for grade 9. I had a 94% average, though. No idea how no one beat that, but no one did. So why was I so upset? Pressure to do better. I took French again, but I suck at it. That will significantly bring my mark down. I’m doing worse in math because they’re making the tests hella hard this year for whatever reason, and I keep on making all of these idiotic mistakes. But it’s not just that…

It’s the looks people give you. It’s the tone when they say “congratulations for all of your awards“. It’s the people talking behind your back, saying that you don’t deserve it. It’s the people who try to make you feel better, but you also hear them talk behind you eventually. It’s the people thinking you’re crying because you didn’t get every single award. It’s hearing others people say, “if Anna didn’t exist, then..!”

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11 thoughts on “My Crippling Depression.

  1. Perhaps speak with your school counselor, or parents? What was once called existential angst, or ennui, ppl are now labeled clinically depressed, a prolonged state of funk. The solution is not to “fix” it, but rather to understand the mind itself. The mind’s internal dialogue is never-ending, a vicious, vacuous circle. Try meditation and see how you feel, practice zen to gain perspective. Mind is a valuable tool, but we must master it correctly.
    Meditation = observing your own thoughts. Just sit quietly, relax, watch & enjoy the show.

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  2. I’ve had issues like this where I feel like “manning up” in certain situations or if I’m just by myself and I’m trying to convince myself that I’m really not going through something (I won’t mention it because it’s too controversial, but I have been having an issue that some people think I have but don’t know for sure.) But I think it’s best to come to terms with your mind and learn about it just as a way to stop being depressed. It must be awful just all of a sudden being incredibly unhappy, and it happens so simply. Just a few chemicals move around in your brain and then suddenly you have no idea what’s happening and you start to cry… At least, that’s all I think it is, but I have no clue what you’re going through.

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  3. I’m uncomfortably late, and I don’t feel inclined to say I know how to make you feel better, but as cliche as it sounds – you’re not alone, you know?

    You already know how down I’ve been feeling, considering how I rant to you about my issues way too often – so it’s okay if you want to talk to me anytime you just need somebody there.

    I’d love to just play some games with you again, too – next time you’re not too busy, let’s just kick back for an hour or so.

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